Tuesday, January 24, 2012


So here we go. Micheal is deploying again. I can't give specific dates and times but he's headed to Afghanistan for a second tour of duty. Most of you may already know this, but for those of you not in the loop...boom, there it is. To say I'm bummed would be an understatement. As an army wife, you always know that another tour is lurking, but you try not to think about it. The whole if i don't think about it maybe it wont happen mindset. I've been trying that- doesn't work. And yes supposedly they're "drawing down" troops over there. Doesn't matter, Nulkie's unit is going. And i am fiercely proud of my solider. He is a wonderful leader and will make an excellent commander. But he's also a rockstar daddy and husband and i don't like sharing him! 

My mentality is this weird combo of obsessive planning, moping, frustration and resignation. I can't ignore that it's coming (although i really really want to) because i have to game plan what to do about Gabe, Evie & I while Michael is away. Trust me I've been debating back and forth of whether or not to go home to NY or ride it out here in Colorado. Some of you would probably say, "that's easy, i'd stay in my house". Well my home in colorado, while wonderful (Nulkie could not have given me a more desirable home), doesnt feel like home when Michael's away. It just doesnt. Call me needy and pathetic but after Michael leaves it feels like i'm just reminded of him constantly in our house- oh this is the last load of laundry i'll do for him in a year (9 mths) or this pan was his fav to cook omelettes on, or he loved woodworking in the garage ..etc that just make me meloncholy. It's this huge void that i can't possibly fill no matter how many play groups i'm a part of. Now a lot of wives stay in their houses and they do great. A lot go home and do great. In fact, the number one question i was asked at our recent deployment fair was "are you staying or going home"? Michael & I have prayerfully discussed it at length and decided the kids & I should move back to NY for most of the tour. Yes were leaving our house where i have my own bathroom and Gabe & Evie have their own rooms. But to me that is just stuff. The loneliness overwhelms those conveniences (at least for me).

I read this quote in a book, "Out of the slough of loneliness sometimes grow rare and beautiful characters, but more often that slough produces only blighted and bitter personalities. In most cases...that early depression passes away..., but in the meantime there is much needless heartache."

That sort of describes why i choose to go home. I'd rather spend my energy on my kids than being lonely. We  haven't found a church here or made many close friends. Needless to say it's been a hard move. In Ft. Leonard Wood we were friends with neighbors on either side and across the street. We had a wonderful church family. I've told Michael if we were still in Missouri and he was leaving i'd probably stay. But i just don't feel that connection here. I haven't even met our next door neighbors. The MOPS group I'm in is 40 mins away. We actually feel pretty isolated out in Ft. Carson. So i ask not for your judgement, but for your prayers for us. You can't imagine the emotional pain when you're separated a very long time from your spouse. When you're afraid when the doorbell rings in the evening. I am so thankful and blessed i have a family that is willing to disrupt the patterns of their lives to take my family in and help us! There are many other reasons that contribute to this decision, but the long and short of it is:  when Nulkie leaves, Gabe, Evie, Bella, Winston & I are schlepping our stuff cross country to become extended-stay residents at the Pilon bed & breakfast :)  Anyways, eventually I'm going to have to privatize my blog for Nulkie's protection. So i'm not sure who all reads this, but if you want to continue reading the adventures of the Incredible Nulks let me know so i can add you to the allowed to read list.

Alright that's the end of my deployment rambling. Another tidbit is that Gabe is having toe surgery this Thursday. Please pray for him- that he's not scared or in pain, that everything goes smoothly and heals correctly. It's supposed to be an easy surgery and recovery, but he still has to go under anesthesia and he's only 3! Thanks for all you're support!


Ahn said...

we'll be praying for you guys lauralz. i can't even begin to imagine how hard it is for you to even write about all this. love you.

Momma Chantal said...

I will be praying for you and your family! I think you are making a good choice. I would make the exact same one!! I want to keep reading... Chantal.m.schreiner@gmail.com

Em said...

I'm here for anything you need! I'm so glad you're in our MOPS group. And keep me on your blog list please. :)

Unknown said...

So when it says "Walkups," it really means Kristi. :) Thank you so much for the updates! I'm sure there will be many adjustments to be made once you're living back in NY, but how great for all 3 of you to be living close to (with?) your awesome parents! We still have a guest bed and pack and play and floor space if you guys need a rest stop on your drive cross-country. We would LOVE to have you stay for a while! You have my number, call me. :) We love you guys!

Walkups said...

Well, I thought "Unknown" was going to say "Walkups." Hmm.

Wu-zy Whatsit said...

Definitely praying--my brother is probably getting deployed again this spring (I say probably because they still haven't got official orders) and I'm already crying at random songs that remind me of him being gone (this will be his second tour too). It makes it worse that his wife just had their fourth baby and first girl in Dec. Sigh... I can't even imagine if it were my hubby going! I'd probably die. Let me know if there's ever anything I can do along with praying! And please do keep me on the allowed list!

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